Our Journey: Life Before & After Our Miracle

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Back Again.......Fingers Crossed :/

This month has been a strange one for me physically....I've had alot going on with my body. I guess that's to be expected after a miscarriage. But somehow I couldn't shake the feeling that I was pregnant again. I kept telling myself that my mind was obviously playing games with me. My doctors told me my uterus is very tilted, which explains why it took me a year in between pregnancies to conceive again. So, in my mind, there's no way I could be pregnant again this soon. I took a couple tests earlier in the month, and they were all negative. So I told myself to just forget about it and keep on with my normal routine. Still.....I couldn't shake feeling pregnant. On June 29th, (also Daniel's birthday, might I add), I got up early and took a test. Still groggy, I picked up the test, saw the plus sign, and had to wipe my eyes a couple times and recheck to make sure I wasn't seeing anything. As soon as Daniel woke up I told him I had another unexpected birthday gift for him. He seemed very excited.....but when he asked me if I am....I felt guilty for not being ecstatic. More than anything I'm really scared of it ending the way the last two have. It's a pain that I really don't want to experience again. We text a picture of the test to our parents the same morning. With my last pregnancy I tried to make everything really special and it ended up being disappointing.....so this time I decided to just let them know right away so that they won't be surprised if I miscarry again.

I'm going to call the doctor first thing tomorrow and hopefully get some bloodwork done so we can check my HCG levels. I guess we will go from there. I'm also going to retest tomorrow and see if the line comes in a little bit darker. I think a darker line would ease my mind, at least just a little bit.

I'm praying that maybe this will be our miracle baby. Fingers are crossed. :'/

Monday, May 13, 2013

Kellie Coffey- I Would Die For That

Fly to Heaven little Angel

After an agonizing morning with different tests at the doctor's, I got the phone call about 3 this afternoon that our little one didn't make it. So I guess that's the end of this blog. I just wanted to update.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

May 12th - 6 Weeks 3 Days Pregnant.....maybe

I don't even know what to say, or how to begin putting to words all the emotions I've felt today. My heart is breaking into a million little pieces, but I'm still clinging to a hope that maybe, just maybe, everything is okay with my little gummy bear.

I am still bleeding and cramping. None of that has changed. Daniel and I just got back to Key West about 9:30.

We decided to still give his Mom her Mother's Day frame, but we unwrapped it and told her everything that is going on while giving it to her. :'( Not at all how we planned. This was supposed to be such a happy occasion.

I feel like such an idiot trying to make such a big deal of this and make it so special. From day one I've had the nagging thought in the back of my mind that this was going to end badly, but still I chose to cling to a hope that it would be a normal pregnancy and I'd carry full term. :( Now so many other people have to deal with being disappointed too.

I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow morning at 9 as soon as the office opens, and I'm hoping they will get me in and do an ultrasound as soon as possible so I can know one way or the other. :'(

I will be very surprised if everything is okay. I try telling myself that it's all okay and maybe the baby is fine but it doesn't do very much good. :'/ If I've already lost the baby, I'm trying to prepare myself for that mentally but I know I'll be just as devastated tomorrow knowing about it as I am today thinking about the possibility. Honestly, if I have lost this baby, I'm not sure I even wanna think about trying for another one. This pain/feeling of loss is so difficult to handle. I don't know if I can do this again. :'(

Fingers are crossed.....I'm hoping for the best. I will update tomorrow.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

May 11th - 6 Weeks 2 Days Pregnant......I Hope :'(

What a whirlwind of emotions I've been through today. :'/ This morning I started spotting, and within an hour the bleeding was bright red and flowing like an extremely light period. I'm having mild cramps as well. I haven't passed any clots, and also this bleeding/cramps is nothing like my miscarriage last year. When I saw the blood this morning I was devastated and I lost it. I want this baby so bad. :'/

Now the bleeding has almost completely stopped. I'm at a loss, and don't know what to think. Should I just allow myself to grieve or should I hang on to hope that everything is okay? :'(

Since I'm here with Mom for the weekend, she wanted to take me to ER tonight but I figure there's no sense in doing that. We would have to pay $150 up front, and they will just do an ultrasound and either tell me that my baby is fine, or gone. I figured the smarter move would be to just wait till Monday and call my OB/GYN and try to get an ultrasound as soon as possible. I'm 6 weeks 2 days today, so Monday I would be 6 weeks 4 days and I'm pretty sure they'll be able to tell if my baby is okay or not.

My heart is breaking.....and I'm trying not to allow myself to break down just in case my little gummy bear is still trying to hang on. :'(

Friday, May 10, 2013

May 10th - 6 Weeks 1 Day Pregnant

Wow, past midnight again and I still haven't gotten my post in for the day. Today has been an extremely crazy, crazy day. I woke up this morning to the news that a very good friend of ours, little Daniel Norris, had passed away during the night. Of course, we rushed right over to the family's house. Daniel left about 11 to come back to the church and work on lawn maintenance with the guys, but I stayed all day till about 5 trying to be what comfort I could be. This is such a devastating time for the family, and with my emotions in turmoil as it is, I'm not sure I was much help to them. My heart goes out to them in this sad, sad time.

Dad decided that we would take Mom out for her Mother's Day dinner tonight, instead of Sunday. Daniel and I figured since it had been such a rough day, (plus I could hardly wait any longer), we would finally break the news to them over dinner. To say the least, Mom was ecstatic. I'm going to try to figure out if I can post the video on here later.....stay tuned on that. :)

My family is very, very excited for us. I can't wait now to tell the rest of the family on Daniel's side. :) I know they will be just as thrilled.

I know it's a super short post, but it's almost 1 AM and I have to be up at 6 to start curling Bentley's hair for her state competition. Daniel and I will be at the state fair with her all day tomorrow while she competes. Hopefully I make it! I'm already sooooo exhausted, but I am very excited to see her do her thing. :)

My Little One's Development This Week

Your baby's jaw, cheeks, chin, eyes, ears, and nose are beginning to form what will eventually become one adorable face. In addition, her kidneys, liver, and lungs are developing, and her heart is now beating 80 times a minute (and getting faster every day). All this and she's still no bigger than the length of a nail head (about a quarter of an inch) from crown to rump!

The Story of Our Struggle

We met in 2009, and were married in January, 2012. We both decided to wait to have a baby, so that we could enjoy being young and newly married. Surprisingly, even with our precautions, we discovered we were pregnant in May, 2012. Sadly, the pregnancy didn't last long, and I had a miscarriage at approximately 5 weeks pregnant. We were both devastated. I struggled with the question of how I could love a little one so much that I thought I "wasn't ready for". After the miscarriage, we decided to stop using precautions and to allow a baby to happen when the timing was right. Almost exactly a year later, on April 30th, I received the phone call from the doctor that my blood test came back positive. I was sure this time would be different. I painted a shell (with the words "will you be our baby's daddy") to announce the pregnancy to Daniel (just like he proposed to me). We made Mother's Day gifts to announce the pregnancy to our families on Mother's Day. The day before Mother's Day, however, I started bleeding, and on that following Monday I received miscarriage confirmation. The first miscarriage was hard, but this one truly devastated me. I didn't want to function. I literally wanted to just withdraw from everyone and spend each day in tears. Thankfully, as a few weeks went by, I felt stronger and my heart was healing. Daniel was my rock. He held me, cried with me, and walked me through a really hard time in my life.

The doctors had told me my uterus is extremely tilted back, which kind of explained why it had taken me exactly a year in between pregnancies to conceive again. Actually, I had two different doctors tell me that because of the extreme tilt, I could possibly never get pregnant. So, knowing that, I really didn't think a third pregnancy would happen......at all, or at least not any time soon.

Only a month and a half later, I tested positive again (on Daniel's 23rd birthday). I immediately sent a picture of the test to my family and his family. I saw no reason to try to make some kind of special reveal like I had with the last. That only made it harder when I lost that little one. I went to the doctor and got blood test confirmation, and they began having me come in every other day to have blood drawn to see if this baby was growing properly. Things looked good, and the weeks began to go by. I started making it to little milestones.
We found out when I was 17 weeks that we were having a baby girl. Words cannot describe the complete joy and happiness I felt making it to the ultrasound for gender determination. As the weeks continued to go by, I grew more and more comfortable in my pregnancy, and the anxiety started to lessen. After going through two recent losses, it kind of steals the joy of pregnancy because you are constantly worried about "what if". In December, when I was around 24-25 weeks, I tripped on some stairs and landed right on my stomach. Not long after I began having contractions, and my doctor sent me in to Labor and Delivery. My heart was terrified. I couldn't fathom making it all this way with this pregnancy and then losing her. They gave me a shot and some meds to stop the pre-term labor, and sent me home. The next day, the contractions continued to come, so back to the hospital we went. They gave me more meds, and kept me overnight to make sure the labor had stopped. When they sent me home, they prescribed me with a medication to take every 6 hours. I took that medication from week 25 all the way to week 36, and our little girl continued to healthily grow. Currently I am 38 weeks pregnant and we are beyond ready to meet our little miracle baby.

I've had alot of people give me "the side eye" for being pregnant at 22, and for not waiting till after I finished nursing school (which I am set to graduate in May 2015). That was my original plan. But I am living proof that plans don't always go the way you want them to. When we lost the first baby, we decided not to try to control when we would have our first child. Because I've had such a struggle with my body carrying a pregnancy, I didn't want to possibly miss my only chance to have a little one. We don't regret our decision for an instance. I still fully intend to make it through nursing school, and even though we are young, we are fully prepared to take on the responsibility of little miss Skylee Rae Hester.