Kellie Coffey- I Would Die For That

Fly to Heaven little Angel

After an agonizing morning with different tests at the doctor's, I got the phone call about 3 this afternoon that our little one didn't make it.  So I guess that's the end of this blog.  I just wanted to update.

May 12th - 6 Weeks 3 Days Pregnant.....maybe

I don't even know what to say, or how to begin putting to words all the emotions I've felt today.  My heart is breaking into a million little pieces, but I'm still clinging to a hope that maybe, just maybe, everything is okay with my little gummy bear.

I am still bleeding and cramping.  None of that has changed.  Daniel and I just got back to Key West about 9:30.

We decided to still give his Mom her Mother's Day frame, but we unwrapped it and told her everything that is going on while giving it to her.  :'(  Not at all how we planned.  This was supposed to be such a happy occasion.

I feel like such an idiot trying to make such a big deal of this and make it so special. From day one I've had the nagging thought in the back of my mind that this was going to end badly, but still I chose to cling to a hope that it would be a normal pregnancy and I'd carry full term. :(  Now so many other people have to deal with being disappointed too.

I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow morning at 9 as soon as the office opens, and I'm hoping they will get me in and do an ultrasound as soon as possible so I can know one way or the other. :'(

I will be very surprised if everything is okay.  I try telling myself that it's all okay and maybe the baby is fine but it doesn't do very much good. :'/ If I've already lost the baby, I'm trying to prepare myself for that mentally but I know I'll be just as devastated tomorrow knowing about it as I am today thinking about the possibility.  Honestly, if I have lost this baby, I'm not sure I even wanna think about trying for another one.  This pain/feeling of loss is so difficult to handle.  I don't know if I can do this again. :'(

Fingers are crossed.....I'm hoping for the best.  I will update tomorrow.

May 11th - 6 Weeks 2 Days Pregnant......I Hope :'(

What a whirlwind of emotions I've been through today. :'/  This morning I started spotting, and within an hour the bleeding was bright red and flowing like an extremely light period. I'm having mild cramps as well. I haven't passed any clots, and also this bleeding/cramps is nothing like my miscarriage last year.  When I saw the blood this morning I was devastated and I lost it.  I want this baby so bad.  :'/  

Now the bleeding has almost completely stopped. I'm at a loss, and don't know what to think.  Should I just allow myself to grieve or should I hang on to hope that everything is okay? :'(   

Since I'm here with Mom for the weekend, she wanted to take me to ER tonight but I figure there's no sense in doing that.  We would have to pay $150 up front, and they will just do an ultrasound and either tell me that my baby is fine, or gone.  I figured the smarter move would be to just wait till Monday and call my OB/GYN and try to get an ultrasound as soon as possible.  I'm 6 weeks 2 days today, so Monday I would be 6 weeks 4 days and I'm pretty sure they'll be able to tell if my baby is okay or not.  

My heart is breaking.....and I'm trying not to allow myself to break down just in case my little gummy bear is still trying to hang on.  :'(   

May 10th - 6 Weeks 1 Day Pregnant

Wow, past midnight again and I still haven't gotten my post in for the day.   Today has been an extremely crazy, crazy day.  I woke up this morning to the news that a very good friend of ours, little Daniel Norris, had passed away during the night.   Of course, we rushed right over to the family's house.  Daniel left about 11 to come back to the church and work on lawn maintenance with the guys, but I stayed all day till about 5 trying to be what comfort I could be.  This is such a devastating time for the family, and with my emotions in turmoil as it is, I'm not sure I was much help to them.  My heart goes out to them in this sad, sad time.

Dad decided that we would take Mom out for her Mother's Day dinner tonight, instead of Sunday.  Daniel and I figured since it had been such a rough day, (plus I could hardly wait any longer), we would finally break the news to them over dinner.  To say the least, Mom was ecstatic.  I'm going to try to figure out if I can post the video on here later.....stay tuned on that. :)

My family is very, very excited for us.  I can't wait now to tell the rest of the family on Daniel's side. :) I know they will be just as thrilled.  

I know it's a super short post, but it's almost 1 AM and I have to be up at 6 to start curling Bentley's hair for her state competition. Daniel and I will be at the state fair with her all day tomorrow while she competes.  Hopefully I make it! I'm already sooooo exhausted, but I am very excited to see her do her thing. :) 

My Little One's Development This Week

Your baby's jaw, cheeks, chin, eyes, ears, and nose are beginning to form what will eventually become one adorable face. In addition, her kidneys, liver, and lungs are developing, and her heart is now beating 80 times a minute (and getting faster every day). All this and she's still no bigger than the length of a nail head (about a quarter of an inch) from crown to rump!

May 9th - 6 Weeks 0 Days Pregnant

Well, I finally made it to Orlando to see my family! :)  It's been so nice to see everyone, but SOOOO hard to keep this a secret!  I feel like my Mom will be able to tell before I tell her, which is what I'm afraid of! I don't want to ruin the surprise! :)

It seemed like a longer drive than usual, and my body ached no matter how I sat.  But, each ache is a constant reminder of my little gummy bear growing inside me. :)

I'm part of a "Mommy board" now, and just today there have been two girls (around the same due date as me) that had a miscarriage.  This scares me. :(  I know I am not emotionally prepared to lose this little one. I've already grown so attached.  Mom always says "God will give you the grace to go through it when it's time."  I guess I will know that grace when and if I have to go through another miscarriage.

I am trying to stay positive and pray that my little gummy bear is growing strong and healthy with no issues.

Well I think it's bedtime. It's already 1 AM and not May 9th anymore but I had to get my post in for the day, even if it was a short one.   :)

May 8th - 5 weeks 6 Days Pregnant

I've been kind of an emotional little mommy today. :/  Just feels like I've been on the verge of tears all day.

  I took my big test, and passed it, which I'm very happy about.  My application for the rest of the Nursing Program is now all set and ready to go.  That was the last thing I needed to complete it.

After church tonight, everyone played volleyball like usual and I have been trying to occupy myself so that I'm not obviously standing out.  I knew people would start asking me to play.  I kinda feel stupid sitting out.  I don't know........like there's a part of me that still doesn't believe I'm actually pregnant.  I've had so many  negative tests and now it just doesn't feel real.  But I don't think a blood test would lie :)  So I'm definitely sitting out of the sport games whether my mind thinks I'm pregnant or not!!!

I rode my bike down to the seawall and walked almost 4 miles.  I was exhausted when I was done.  Felt like my legs were going to fall off!

Tomorrow, as soon as Daniel gets off work, we will be heading to Orlando. I'm very excited but don't know how I'm going to keep this a secret much longer!!! It's killing me.  I think it's killing my little gummy bear inside of me too. I think SHE (well I hope but maybe HE haha)  is ready for pretty clothes to be filling the closets for her. :))

Well I'm tired and headed to bed.  Finally the end of this pregnancy week :) Tomorrow I will be 6 weeks =D

May 7th - 5 Weeks 5 Days Pregnant

It's been an extremely long day today.  I got up and did my normal routine of having breakfast and taking my vitamins.  Cleaned up a little bit, and decided to go to the beach for a little while before my Algebra class.  As soon as I arrived at the beach I got an email from my Algebra teacher saying "I'm feeling sick and I need rest today. Class is cancelled."  Sounded great to me!! I laid on the beach for about an hour and a half, then started feeling really hot so I jumped in the water for a little swim to cool down.  Then I decided to go shopping and, maybe, just maybe, buy a baby outfit :) I haven't allowed myself to do that yet since we don't know the baby's sex......but I REALLLLLLLYYYY wanna buy some outfits. It's killing me.  Anyways, on the way to the store, I decided to make better use of my time and take my car by Advanced Auto Parts so that Daniel wouldn't have to do it when he got off work.  My car has been giving me trouble starting lately, so we figured it was either the starter or the battery.  The guy from AAP came out and told me that he could charge my battery and see if that was the problem, so he took it in and told me it would be about half an hour.  Sooooooo I sat on the curb in the parking lot for what seemed like an eternity. It was SOOOO hot.  He finally came back out about an hour later, and said, "I'm so sorry ma'am. I totally forgot about you out here."  He then plugged something into my battery, and a paper printed out that said "Battery needs to be replaced." So after all that, I still ended up replacing the battery.

My initial plan was to go home, ride my bike to the sea wall and have a walk so that I'd get my cardio in for the day.  But when I got home, it was about 2:30, and I was starving. I made myself some Ramen noodles, then sat down on my bed to relax for a minute before going for my walk. That's the last thing I remember before waking up from a 2 and 1/2 hour nap!  Guess my body was tired.  

After dinner, we went to the beach and swam for an hour, then watched the sunset. So I still ended up getting my cardio in for the day which I was happy about. Didn't make much difference though......we went to Dairy Queen for icecream when we left the beach. :)  :) What can I say.......I'm a sucker for icecream!

On a more serious note.......I got this random idea to pee on a stick again to see if I would finally get my bright positive, but the line was still very faint. :/  Kinda makes me nervous that everything is going okay.  I haven't had any bleeding, which is a good sign. Lots of cramps, but they've told me that as long as I'm not bleeding AND cramping, I'm fine. :'/ I sure hope so.  I'm very worried about this now.  At my 7 week marker we are going in for an ultrasound to check the baby and see the heartbeat.  That feels like forever from now.  I just really want to know that everything is fine with my little gummy bear. <3

May 6th - 5 Weeks 4 Days Pregnant

Well I've been counting down the days till Thursday.  Daniel and I are going back to Orlando for the weekend to see my Mom (and the rest of my family) for Mother's Day.  :) Annnnnndddd as you already know Mother's Day is the big revealing day :)  I just know our siblings are going to be super excited. Last time I saw my family was spring break in March, and the first day we were together Drew and Clay very randomly asked me when I was going to have a baby! I know they will be happy and excited. Bentley will love watching my body change and get big.  That'll probably be her favorite part ;)  She said she's never ever been skinnier than her big sister, so now's her chance :D Benji is already such a sweet uncle to our nephew Raylen, so I know he will adore this little one. :)  And of course Kinley and Briley will love the idea of being an aunt again.  Why wouldn't they! :)   Daniel's sister, Eba, has rubbed my belly several more times just "to check if there just might be anything kicking in there."  She will be excited too.  It's going to be cool to see her reaction.  I don't know about Daniel's little brother, Aaron......he doesn't really indicate interest in babies like my brothers do....(they are suckers for little ones).  However, I think if it's his little nephew or niece it would be a very different story :)  As far as my older brother Jay and his wife Jessica......I know they'll be ecstatic.  Raylen will have a little niece or nephew to get to know :)  And his older brother Joshua and wife Angela.......they'll just be glad that it's not them yet. :)  Literally :) 

My first day in Algebra went fine......it's only a 6 week class so I'm not expecting it to be anything difficult. (I HOPE!!!)  I am scheduled to take my TEAS test day after tomorrow, and I am VERY nervous about that. :/ It is basically a nursing entrance test. If I fail I don't get to do all the internships and clinicals and finish my RN.  I get a retake, but it has to be 6 months later so I will miss the fall semester and not be able to start back until the fall. Sooo I'm hoping I do well on it.  It has four sections, English, Reading, Math, and Science.  I think I will do well on English and Reading. It's just the Math and Science I am concerned about but no use worrying about something I can't control! I will just pray that I do well.

Well, this is enough for tonight. I'm pretty tired and ready to get some sleep.  When I wake up I will be 5 weeks, 5 days!!! :)   That has been my favorite part of waking up lately. <3

May 5th - 5 Weeks 3 Days Pregnant

I have felt pretty good all day today.  I didn't feel so drained of all my energy, although I still didn't sleep very well last night.  My back has been hurting all day today but I'm beginning to get used to the constant pain. It's not extreme, it's just always there.  I guess that could be a good indication that my baby is growing like he/she is supposed to. Speaking of "he/she"..........I reallllllllllyyyyyy want a girl but I have it set in my mind that my chances are pretty slim for a girl.  Don't get me wrong if I have a boy I will adore him, no doubt about that. :)  I just think baby girls are so much fun to dress, fix their hair (if they have any that is), etc.

I finally finished our Mother's Day gifts to our Moms. I have been stressing about getting them done because not only are they the Mother's Day gifts, but also the revealing of our pregnancy. :) 

Here is a close-up of the poem:

In case it's hard to read:

I do not have a face to see, or put inside a frame

I do not have soft cheeks to kiss; I don't yet have a name. 

You can't yet hold my tiny hands, nor whisper in my ear

It's still too soon to sing a song or cuddle me so near.

But all will change come January, that's when they say I'm due

I'm your new little grandbaby, and I can't wait till I meet you.

All I ask between now and then, is your patience while I grow

I promise I'll be worth the wait, because of all the love we'll know.

So what I have to give you now, is a wish to you from me.

I cannot wait to be a part of this wonderful family.

I really can't wait to tell my family and Daniel's family the big news.  It's driving me crazy!!!!  I actually want to tell the world, but we will wait to tell everyone else until after my 7 week ultrasound. Just to make sure sweet baby is still doing okay. :/ I'm so paranoid since I had my miscarriage.  The thoughts of things that could go wrong drive me crazy but I have to literally make myself think of positive things and try not to let those negative possibilities make me sad before they even happen. 

Well, that's enough for tonight.  My college Algebra class starts tomorrow so I better get lots and lots and lots of rest if I expect to pass that one ;)  (not a big Math fan if you can't tell).

May 4th - Five weeks 2 days Pregnant

Wellllll little one.....let me just say that even at only 5 weeks you are draining me of all my energy!!!!  Yesterday I was sooo exhausted from decorating all day, but I didn't sleep well. Every time I would get comfortable I'd start getting a cramp or back pain.  Since I had the miscarriage last year, I guess I am extremely paranoid.  So every time I feel a pain I tense up and wonder if that's normal or if that's the first sign that something is about to go wrong. :'(  That being said.......I tossed and turned all night so this morning when I got up, I felt like I was already running on empty.

Felt a bit nauseous this morning and feel the same right now as I'm writing this.  That's a good sign though :) that means my sweet baby is growing well inside of me.

The banquet was a great success today.  Everything went smoothly, but I do have to admit I'm glad that's over with! :) Now I can just relax a little bit.

It's incredible how I can already feel such a strong love growing for a person who is, at the moment, only about the size of an apple seed.  <3

May 3rd - 5 weeks 1 day Pregnant

Wow. I am one tired pregnant mommy today. :(  I decorated the entire day till right before 10 for the church's Mother/Daughter banquet that is going on tomorrow. Decorations turned out very nicely but I'm definitely exhausted.  My lower back has been throbbing since this morning.  At least I haven't felt any morning sickness.....yet. I'm definitely not looking forward to that aspect of pregnancy.

It's getting harder and harder to keep this a secret.  Three times in the past two days, my sister-in-law Eba has rubbed my belly "just to check if anything's kicking" because she can't wait to be an aunt.  I'm not sure if I already wrote about this but I will be telling our family members and friends on Mother's Day.  Figured it would be a unique gift for our moms. :)  I know they'll both be ecstatic.

I think I'm gonna keep it short and sweet tonight.  My bed and my pillow are calling my name very loudly. :) Plus, the sooner I go to bed, the sooner it's a new day and I'm another day further along. =)

My Little One's Development This Week

"The changes to your growing embryo are not quite as drastic this week as they've been in the last few weeks.

Growth is now focused on your wee manatee's head, which is developing and growing much more rapidly than the rest of their tiny body. This is because their amazing brain is undergoing some very critical changes in order to effectively regulate their heart rate, blood circulation, and other vital functions.

As for the rest of their tiny body, what were only limb buds last week have grown into wee limb flippers this week and their sea-creature tail is even more visible.

Amazingly, within five short weeks of existence, your hard-working miniature manatee is already sporting the rudimentary forms of their liver, pancreas, lungs, stomach and nasal pits while their heart is increasing its circulatory capacity.

And if you were wondering about size, your sea-monkey has grown to an impressive 5 mm in length. Growing like this only happens once in a lifetime!"
~Taken from BabyCenter

May 2nd - 5 Weeks 0 Days Pregnant

Well, now that I've gotten the past couple days "up to date" I can stop writing in past tense.  :)

I didn't sleep well last night.  I have been having alot of cramps and even though the doctor told me that it's not abnormal to have cramps, I keep thinking something bad is going to happen and I just have to prepare myself for that. Daniel went and got me a bagel for breakfast this morning.  So far I haven't been having any nauseous feelings. I am a little tired, but not exhausted like some women are at this point.  Some of the symptoms I have been feeling is alot of lower back pain, stomach cramps,  and my boobs are very sore and swollen. 

Today I have been expecting a call from the doctor's office about my HCG levels.  My original numbers were 34, so the doctor told me that if they double or close to double that means everything is normal.  I held my phone in my hand the entire morning, but I received no phone call. It was driving me crazy.  Finally about ten minutes to one,  my phone rang and I recognized the number from the doctor's office.  I walked outside (since no one else knows yet I don't want to ruin the surprise) and I heard my doctor's voice on the line.  I immediately got a sinking feeling, thinking I was going to get bad news. That was because the past two times they've called, it was just the nurse letting me know the results.  Since it was the doctor, I figured they had bad news.   Contrary to my expectations, my doctor said everything seemed fine at this point. She said my number was 54, and though it hadn't quite doubled, she was pleased with the increase.  That really set my mind at ease.  Now I just feel like I need to relax, and not do anything at all for the next 7 weeks till I am out of the "danger zone" for a miscarriage. I know that God's timing is perfect and if He intends this pregnancy to end positively, He will allow that to happen regardless of how much I sit on the couch and do absolutely nothing. :/ It's just hard not having any control over something that I want so badly.

Well I guess that's enough for now.  I'll be on here every day updating how this Mommy is feeling and how the little one is progressing. :)

Thinking back on May 1st

I got up and went to the doctor's office to take more blood work.  When I got there they told me that my HCG levels were 34 which meant I was still very early in pregnancy. According to my LMP, they set me at 4 weeks 6 days along with a due date of January 3rd.  They redrew blood and told me they would be calling me tomorrow, or May 2nd to let me know if my levels were doubling like they were supposed to.  I googled "normal HCG levels", and every site I looked at it seemed like people's levels were soooo much higher.  I began getting that sinking feeling again, and started telling myself that things are already "not right" and I'm gonna be disappointed.  I am already a part of "The Bump" which is a website for pregnant women or women trying to get pregnant, and there is a community discussion board on there.  I decided to write about my HCG levels and see if the girls felt like they were something to be concerned about.  Everyone basically had the same response,which was "the number doesn't matter as much as the increasing/doubling pattern".  So....more waiting games. Just have to wait until tomorrow when they call and tell me what my new HCG levels were. 

Even though I have alot of negative expectations and fears, I can't help but be excited and can't wait to tell our families and my closest friends.  We've decided to tell our Mom's on Mother's Day, as well as the rest of our family members.  We will probably make it "Facebook official" after I get my 7 week ultrasound to make sure everything is normal. 

Thinking back on April 30th

I got up with Daniel and we did what we do every morning that he's not working.  I get my breakfast, he gets his coffee, and we sit on the couch and watch all the Judge shows or The Price is Right. About 10:30 a.m., my phone rang, and I recognize that it was the doctor's office.  I walked outside with the phone, and answered the phone with dread, because I already knew what was about to be said.  The nurse got on the phone and said, "You were absolutely right. Your blood test came back a definite positive!"  I think I zoned out or something, because she had to ask if I was still on the line.  I snapped back to reality, and said "Are you serious?????" She laughed, and said "Yes ma'am. It's weird that it didn't show up on the urine test but you're definitely pregnant.  We're gonna re-run the test to check what your HCG levels are, and we want you to come in tomorrow so we can recheck your levels and see if your pregnancy is progressing like it is supposed to."  I was dumbfounded.  Speechless, and yet had so many thoughts flowing through my head at once. I started crying, and shaking, and I told her, "Wait. Be honest with me. You can't get a false positive with a blood test right? I don't want to get my hopes and then be disappointed." She just laughed and said "Honey, you're definitely pregnant."   I hung up the phone and stayed outside for a few minutes trying to gather my bearings because I didn't want that to be the way Daniel found out. I had something special that I had tucked in the back of mind for when I told him we were having our first little one. When I felt like I had my emotions composed, I came back inside, and Daniel immediately asked "Was that the doctor? Is everything okay?"  A couple weeks back I had gone to the doctor for some female issues, and had my regular annual check up.  So in his mind it wasn't unusual for them to be calling.  I quickly told him that it was the doctor, and they were just letting me know that my annual PAP came back normal.  :) He smiled and told me that was great, and dropped the subject. 

We had made plans to go out shopping and go for lunch this day, which didn't allow me any time apart from him to go out and get the things I needed to get in order to announce the pregnancy to him.  That's why when he told me his boss called him in for 2 hours of training, I wasn't the least bit disappointed.  As soon as I dropped him off, I quickly went down town to find a conch shell.  The reason I needed the shell is because when Daniel proposed to me, it was on the beach with "Will You Marry Me?" painted on a conch shell.  So I had always wanted to tell him I was pregnant in a similar way.  I finally found the shell, then went to K-MART and picked up black paint and a pack of paintbrushes so I could paint the words on the shell.  As you can see by the picture below, the words are kind of sloppy because I was doing the painting in the back seat of my car. Oh well....it got the job done :)  As soon as I got it painted, I went to the resort that Daniel works at and walked back to the beach and laid in a hammock.  I placed the shell under the hammock and text him to come get me whenever he got off work.  He finally walked back there, and he immediately asked about the shell under the hammock. I told him that I had found it, and wanted to take it with me.  He was like, "Babe we can't take that it belongs to the resort! I could get in big trouble."  I grabbed my purse and told him to just sneak it into my purse and no one would see it.  I finally convinced him to pick up the shell, and when he did he turned it over, and saw the words on it. He stared at the shell in silence for what seemed like eternity, then looked up, and said, "Are you serious?!?!?" I immediately started crying and he wrapped his arms around me and teared up himself.  I told him that the doctor had called and confirmed this morning.  He laughed and told me "Oh so you lied to me this morning huh???"   Long story short, we had quite a special moment and I was ecstatic that my plan had worked out so well. 

 

Thinking back on April 29th

When I got up, I checked both tests again to see if I was going crazy. (Even though I am fully aware that you shouldn't recheck a pregnancy test after it has been sitting for more than 10 minutes).  The lines were still there, but I told myself that meant absolutely nothing at all.  I was absolutely positive the doctor was going to say, "Sorry honey. It's negative again."

In an effort to brace myself for bad news, I went by the store and picked up two more pregnancy tests, but different kinds.  I figured that when they sent me back to pee in the cup, I would do my home test at the same time, that way I would be prepared for whatever the doctor had to say.   So I peed on the stick, then peed in the cup and wrote my name on it.  When I picked up the home test, I felt like all my thoughts and fears became reality.  The test didn't even have a faint second line.   I went back out and sat in the waiting room, telling myself how stupid I was for even thinking I could be pregnant.  When they called me back, the nurse took my vitals and told me that the urine test was negative.   Pulling for any strands of hope that I could find, I told her that in 2012 when I had my miscarriage, I couldn't get a positive urine test. I had to have a blood test to determine pregnancy.  She seemed doubtful, but she decided to just "do one anyways....just in case." She told me that I would receive a phone call the following morning with the results.   I left the doctor's office very disappointed and heartbroken.   I was glad I hadn't dragged Daniel along the roller coaster the past couple days just to get bad news.  I wasn't anxious or nervous about the phone call I was waiting for.  I already knew what the answer would be.  Why anxiously wait for something that would never happen, right?

Thinking Back on April 28th

My alarm had gone off right before 7.  Still quite groggy, I was mad at myself for setting the alarm so early........until I remembered why I had set it that early.  I quietly slipped out of bed, making sure I didn't wake up Daniel.  The last thing I wanted was for him to have to deal with an emotional, disappointed wife at 7 in the morning. I snuck to the bathroom, peed on the stick, and set it on the counter. 

I had to make myself pick the stick back up and look at it. The thing is, I was already convinced that what I had seen yesterday was just an "evap line", and it meant absolutely nothing.  I finally picked it up, and wiped my eyes to make sure I wasn't imagining things.  I was seeing the same thing as yesterday.

I was still telling myself that it was not real......and I was not allowing myself to even feel remote excitement. I've gotten so used to being afraid of disappointment that I stop myself before I get that far.  

Once again, I didn't mention this to Daniel. I figured I'd go in to the doctors the following day and see what they said before I made a big deal about it.

Once again........had to play the waiting game.  The human mind does crazy things to a person in a 24 hour time period where one is just waiting for news that they've already determined to be reality in their mind.  Still I had just a glimmer of hope that just maybe things would be different this time.   

Thinking back on April 27th

I had been feeling strange lately, and plus I had noticed that my clothes were not fitting normally.  So I decided to set myself on a strict diet/exercise plan, which would be starting Monday, or April 29th.

  But wait.......what if I were pregnant and I caused myself to lose the baby by exercising vigorously?  In my head it made sense, so I decided to run buy a test just to make sure. 

I peed on the stick, set it down, and went about my business.  Eventually, I picked the stick back up, and thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.  I kept looking at the stick from different angles, but still kept seeing the same thing. 

What were my first thoughts?  "Don't get excited. It's a false positive and you will just be disappointed when you test again."  As hard as I tried to tell myself not to think about it,  that faint positive test was glued to my mind and that's all I could see when I closed my eyes. 

Of course, I didn't mention this to Daniel.  It had been such a roller coaster since we had the miscarriage last year.  Every month.....same thing.......my mind telling me I was pregnant, wasting money on way too many pregnancy tests, and then nature reminding me that it had all been in my head. It was like a vicious cycle that I couldn't get myself to snap out of.  I stopped telling him when I felt pregnant....because in my mind I had convinced myself it would never happen. 

Sooooo.......now I just had to wait.  Wait till the next morning and take a test first thing to see if maybe, just maybe, it would be a positive again.